Fictional Idol: Episode 1
Voiceover: "Hello and welcome to the annual “international fictional idol contest”. This is a chance for a few lucky contestants to show us exactly what they're made of. Your host tonight: Robert "Rocket" Romano!!!!"
Rocket: "Thank you for this heartwarming welcome. I am truly honored to help a few of you pathetic know-hopers on the road to success. I'm sure we'll squeeze in a few good laughs!"
Rocket: "Please don't interrupt, this isn't Wall Street! Now you all know the rules: Our hand-picked jury of sadistic music coaches has been on an international tour on the lookout for the finest talents out there..." *evil grin* "and look what they came back with!"
Camera turns to a giant screen in the background with the "Fictional Idol" logo, a cheap neon rendition of a famous script fount which you can find everywhere on the internet. You'd almost expect a palm tree next to it...
Graham (= Voiceover): "Hailing from Hogwarts, United Kingdom, he's a potion master with an attitude... His students hate him... and so will you. Save your 'boos' and hisses for..."
*Rocket Romano follows the drum roll with his valid arm*
Graham: "Seveeeeeeerus Snaaaaaaape!!!"
Trumpets shift to a to a nightmarish gothic tune as Snape enters, dressed in his typical strict black suit.
Rocket: "Hello and welcome Severus!"
Snape: "Good evening Rocket"
Rocket: "How was your trip? Jetlag not getting you down, is it?"
Snape in a pinched voice: "Noooo... I used an apparate charm to get to the studios..."
Rocket: "So I heard.... But let's not spoil the surprise and go on to our next coach..."
Camera turns once more to the giant screen.
Graham: "Yes Rocket, our next coach is a devastating beauty from Blue Cove, Delaware... Let's hear it for Miss Parker!!!!"
Miss Parker emerges from backstage slowly walking down a ramp in her high heels. Most of the male audience is drooling their mother out of town. She's also wearing that cute little desk outfit that we see in the "Pretender" theme.
She walks straigh into Snape and punches him right into the face.
Rocket: "I see you already know each other... I know he's a brit but I'm not sure he deserves that."
Snape takes the blow without a word and massages his jaw for a few long seconds.
Snape: "May I ask what part of 'it was an accident' you didn't understand?"
Parker: "I'm sure you quite enjoyed that little accident..."
Snape: "And I assure you there wasn't that much to enjoy."
Rocket forces his way between the two.
Rocket: "I'm sure this is worth wasting precious screentime, but none of us here understand what you're talking about."
Rocket takes a thoughtful look as instructions are given to him through the earpiece.
Rocket: "Fortunately our backstage camera has picked some unseen footage. Graham?"
Graham: "Ooh yes Rocket! It seems professor Snape apparated in Miss Parker's changing aera at a very embarassing moment..."
Switch to camera view as Severus appears in a bliding flash of light. In the lower right hand corner, a small square containing a view of Miss Parker's live reaction.
Parker (archive): "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"
Snape (archive): "Apologies" *leaves*
Parker (archive): "Come back here, you voyeuristic bastard!!!"
Parker (live) starts running after Severus with her service weapon.
On screen, superimposed black tape covers all the "interesting" bits.
Snape: "As I said before it was an unfortunate accident!"
Rocket: "Last time I had an unfortunate accident, it cost me my arm... you're damn lucky!"
Parker scowls at Rocket.
Parker: "You wanna loose your other one, Midget?"
Back on stage, camera is fixed on four chairs for the jury. Snape and Miss Parker are sitting at opposite ends, staring at each other.
Rocket, one hand on his tempal: "Now that Miss Harpy has got her hormones levels back down to normal, let's welcome out next juror..."
Graham: "From Newark, New Jersey, this army man is a natural born leader. Get on his bad side and he'll have you doing two hundred press-ups before lunch. A big round of applauses for captain Mike Steele!!!!!"
Steele enters wearing his uniform.
Voice in the background: "Medic! Medic! This girl's just passed out!"
Rocket: "I see you already have a large number of fans in the audiance, captain..."
Steele: "I just want to get my job done, Rocket"
Rocket: "If you don't mind me asking, what exactly is your experience in the world of music?"
Steele: "I used to play drums in a high school band and I try to keep on track during training sessions with the rangers."
Graham: "Yes Rocket, captain Steele's voice is well-known among the ranger corps. The army has been kind enough to give us some footage of one of his famous training sessions."
Switch to big screen.
A small town redneck soldier (Triffoullis sur Idaho in french) looks up at captain Steele who stares at him reprochfully.
Steele (archive): "Is that the right way to hold your weapon soldier? Noooo!!! Skinny comes along and punches holes through you till you look like a slice a swiss cheese before you even take aim!!"
The rest of the training session is covered in a defeaning larsen effect. The audiance is covering its ears with a painfull expression.
Rocket: "Let's hope you'll be a little nicer with contestents... Then again why should you bother?"
Steele says nothing and sits besides Miss Parker.
Rocket: "Oh I don't know about you, but I already hate them! Who's gonna fill the empty seat?"
Graham: "Our last juror comes from a land far far away... carried by a turtle and four elephants. He's the despotic ruler of his very own city! Please welcome..."
Rocket follows the drum roll with his valid arm once more
Graham: "His lordship Havelock Vetinari!!!!!"
Voice in the background: "Medic! We've got another one!!!!"
Graham: Looks like it’s time for a small commercial break… Please don’t zap.
Fran Fine: “I’ve always wanted to sing like a star from Broadway… aaAaAAAh”
*a window shatters in the background*
Fran Fine: “But I’ve been told my voice isn’t up to scratch…”
Albus Dumbledore: “Never fear Fran, I have here an extra large dose of ‘Daddy Albus Karaoke potion’!”
Fran Fine: “What does it do?”
Albus Dumbledore: “Just a single dose and you’ll be singing like the greatest!”
Albus Dumbledore: Glup, glup
Albus Dumbledore starts singing an extract from Pavarotti and friends.
Fran Fine: “Wow!”
Albus Dumbledore still sounding like Pavarotti: “Here’s your first week of treatment”
*Zoom on Albus’ face*
Albus Dumbledore: “If you’re not completely satisfied within one week, you get your money back.”
*Background on Fran singing ‘Numanuma’*
Voice-over:” ‘Daddy Albus Karaoke potion’ is a proud sponsor of Fictional Idol.”
*very fast*: “Medical side effects may occur, please consult your specialist in the event of dizziness, nausea or hallucinations.”
Retro shots of kids playing in a play-ground. One of the kids separates from the group running after a football and bumps into someone.
Mr Lyle smiling: “Watch were you’re going”
Crouches and shoves the kid to the camera
Mr Lyle: “This is Malcolm, he’s six years old and has an IQ of 180. He’s been with us ever since his parents died in a car crash.”
Gets up and walks off followed by the camera.
Mr Lyle: “Here at the Center we are dedicated to help these children… *hesitates* develop their full potential. We try to give them everything they need in the most human conditions possible. So please, send your donations to 555-CASH4LYLE. Or visit our website: thecenter.gov.”
A cleaner comes to Mr Lyle and whispers something in his ear
Mr Lyle: “Ah excuse me for a moment.”
Runs off with a pack of cleaner armed with tranquilizers darts
Voice-over: “Remember your donations are tax-deductible.”
Fade to black and patriotic music over an American flag.
Caption: Serve your country.
Shots of soldiers running in the mud
Caption: Find out who you are
Shots of a sergeant forcing a soldier down with his foot, while he is doing forceps
Sergeant: “Repeat after me: I’m a worthless piece of shit”
Soldier: “I’m a… *flub* of… *flutch*”
Caption: An honourable job
Shot of a soldier sitting on his bed. Another soldier walks by and taps on his shoulder.
Soldier 2: “Hey man it’s Friday, it’s your turn to clean the john.”
Switch to Captain Steele in an Uncle Sam pose pointing his finger at the viewer
Steele: “I want you for US Army.”
*Commercial Music* and return to the set
Rocket: “Good evening and welcome back to Fictional Idol, I’m your host Robert Rocket Romano and this is our panel of evil judges!”
Camera switches from Miss Parker to Captain Steele, to lord Vetinari to professor Snape all looking very evil.
Rocket: “The trials are going to start soon, and I can assure you it’s quite an entertaining watch. But before that, our camera crew has travelled all around the world and even further to find out what our judges were like in everyday life.“
Graham: “First of all, let’s meet Bruce live from Hogwarts Scotland!”
Camera switches to a young good looking brown haired man. In the lower part of the screen a caption shows, saying ‘Bruce Banner, reporter’.
Bruce: “Hello Rocket! I am here with professor Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts.”
Albus Dumbledore: “Live long and prosper!”
Bruce: “Ah… yes. But I was here to talk about professor Snape.”
Albus Dumbledore: “Well in that case why don’t you follow me down to his labs, the students will probably have interesting things to say about him.”
Albus leads Bruce down to the lab and walks up to Snape’s desk.
Albus Dumbledore: “Silence please! The television is here to find more about professor…”
A loud vrooming sound is heard through out the lab.
Albus Dumbledore: “Ah here comes the substitute teacher! Professor Black!”
Cut to Snape whose jaw is dropping on the floor.
Sirius enters the lab on his Harley Davidson accelerating through the corridor and using a desk as a ramp, to do a backward wheelie. He crashes amidst the potion bottles but emerges still as cool as ever. He has an Elvis style hairdo and dark glasses.
Students cheer as the last remaining bit of Snape’s desk snaps in two under the weight of the motorcycle.
Sirius: “Ah…“*embarrassed bad boy look* “Awfully sorry about that professor, but Sna… professor Snape’s furniture isn’t the most durable…”
Albus Dumbledore: “No need to apologize Sirius, I’m sure Severus will love the new furniture when he comes home… Speaking of which, theses people from television would like to know a little more about him. Could you oblige?”
Sirius: “Well I’m not sure professor… you see professor Snape is a very secretive man, but I’ve discovered some interesting information while looking for his class notes *flashes a big smile* it appears to be a secret diary!”
Sirius: “Yes! I’m sure you won’t mind, Sni… Severus.”
Starts to read
Sirius: “I’ve had a lesson with seventh year today, Harry Potter was there. The stupid little irk is driving me crazy. Not a once of brain in the little twerp, just like his father, but I do find him so… Humpf!”
Sirius takes a very evil stare: “Snape! You’re a dead man!”
Casually walks to the potions cabinet and takes a bottle from the top shelf.
Sirius: “Snape you see this potion you took eighteen months to prepare?”
Takes the bottle by the neck and casually drops it.
Sirius: “Oups, butter fingers.”
Cut to Snape looking as if his worst nightmare had come true. He starts running to the exit but through the loud speakers, hears
Sirius: “Not so fast Snivellius you can’t apparate inside Hogwarts, remember and by the time you come back I’ll be far far away.”
Rocket, noticing that Snape is getting more furious by the second: “Severus just sit down and enjoy the show because there’s nothing you can do about it now.”
Bruce: “Well that’s it for me from Hogwarts, see you next week!”
Back to the set
Rocket: “Now let’s travel to the Discworld and more precisely to the city of Ankh-Morpork where one of lord Vetinari’s subjects wanted to share with us his feelings about the great leader.”
Cut to a young man filmed at head high, the camera is curiously wobbly.
Young man: “Lord Vetinari is the greatest leader the city has ever known we’ve literally never been this happy and we hope to finish the pyramid before his return all hail to his lordship Vetinari!”
Camera zooms out unintentionally and shows a large broad sword pressing under the guy’s chin.
Voice out of frame: “Size them! We need that film!”
Cameraman: “That’s all folks! See you next week… if we’re still alive.”
Cut and caption: ‘Life from the Mog’
Pilla impersonating Steele: “Howdy y’all! Welcome to the Mog soldier.”
Steele’s whole expression tightens
Steele (in the same voice): “What the hell do you think you’re doing Pilla?”
Pilla turns very pale.
Immediately throws himself to the ground and starts doing press-ups.
Pilla: “One, two, three…”
Close-up on part of the audience who is dying of laughter.
Steele: “Is that people laughing I can hear in the front row?”
Gets up and points to a young man in his twenties.
Steele: “You! On the ground now! Do me two hundred!”
Steele: “You heard me soldier! One word from you and I’ll have you do thirty laps as well.”
Guy: “But I’m not a…”
Steele: “I said on the ground soldier now!”
Guy terrified: “Oh oh… Ok.”
Rocket: “You don’t think you’re overdoing it a little, do you captain?”
Steele: “Hell no Rocket! When this guy finds himself cornered by fifty skinnies, he’ll thank for saving his sorry ass. “
Rocket: “And now for the last report, Blue Cove in Delaware where Miss Parker works…”
Camera switches to an incredibly handsome man. His skin is very pale and he has ashen blond hair and violet eyes. In the lower part of the screen a caption shows, saying ‘Daniel Molloy, reporter’.
Daniel Molloy: “Good evening Rocket. I’m standing right outside the main building of the Center where Miss Parker works.”
Knocks on the door
Daniel: “Hum… Excuse me?”
Creepy looking albino guard: I’m sorry we’re closed right now. One of my colleagues will escort you of the premises.
Daniel: “We’re reporters from ‘Fictional Idol’, we’d like to know a little more about where Miss Parker works.”
A huge black cleaner appears behind the guard.
Black cleaner: “Listen buddy. I think you’d better leave before anything bad happens.”
He opens his vest and shows a gun the size of agent K’s in Men In Black.
Cameraman: “Harryyyyyy! He’s got a gun Harryyyyyyy!!!!”
Cameraman zooms out.
Harry, holding the mike: “Don’t worry Ron; we’re powerful Griffindor wizards after all.”
Ron: “But Harry, he’s got a gun!”
Harry whispering: “Yes, but Daniel is a vampire so he can protect us!”
Ron: “A vampiiiiire?” *starts whimpering*
Close up on Harry who looks a bit stressed.
A silencer gun sounds in the background
Daniel looking at his blood tainted shirt: “Damn, well kids it seems we have overstayed our welcome… That was Daniel Molloy, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, from the Centre. Over to you, Rocket.”
A chime sounds in the background
Rocket: “And, that’s all we have time for today! Join us next week when we meet the contestants and find out more about Miss Parker’s background.”
End of episode 1