SPOILER WARNING: After season four of Buffy, season one of Angel, the movie
Highlander engdame and after The Vampire Armand in the vampire chronicles
CONTENT WARNING: Language.
SUMMARY: A Buffy – Angel – Highlander – TVC crossover
DISCLAIMER: We don’t own any of the characters featured in here. They are owned by the all-powerful club formed by Joss Whedon, Peter Davis, William Panzer and Anne Rice.
NOTES: The game zones are borrowed from Channel 4’s sadly defunct TV show “The Crystal maze”. And we have nothing whatsoever against any of the characters featured in this fic, least of all
Angel : souled vampire
Spike : non-souled vampire
Drusilla : crazy vampire
Duncan Mac Leod : immortal
Amanda : immortal
Methos : immortal Joe Dawson : mortal
Lestat : vampire
Louis : vampire
Armand : vampire
Daniel : vampire
David : vampire
Act one, scene one
Sunnydale High school library, 8.00 PM
The Scooby gang are away,
They’ve all gone to watch Buffy slay
They’ve left me all alone;
Alone, alone¸ alone
Somewhere in this dusty old shack
Lies the way to get my powers back.
Anya is rummaging through Giles’ stuff
Here it is! The book of Avgadub – Leym
Oh my God ! Just look at that name
I think that borders on child abuse
Here at last is a spell I can use.
Here at last is a spell she can use.
If she casts it all Hell will break loose
But what will she care,
Cause she won’t be there
Anya: You know what ? I can’t go on like this. I can’t stand singing songs on stage. I’ve got self esteem, you know !
Emma Caulfield’s agent, standing in the back, makes a threatening gesture.
Anya: Oh well, here goes.
She opens the book, seemingly at a random page, and starts reading out loud.
Anya: I need a pentangle.
She forms one on the floor and starts chanting. Suddenly a huge gust of wind blows here pentangle away.
Anya: I just can’t win at this game….
Act one, scene two
Angel Investigations, L.A., 8.03 PM
Angel, on phone: Yes, Mr. Johnson, I understand. Yes, we’ve established that your stepmother is a two-headed Elvis clone. I’ll get back to you on that. No, we can’t just kill her like that. What d’you mean, it should be easy for me ? Who told you I was a vampire ? Listen here, man, I may be a vampire but I’m cursed. And you should respect your elders. Now go away.
Hangs up, then, Cordelia, we’re moving!
He opens the door and leaps into a shiny new convertible. He drives off.
Angel: Cordelia’s out shopping. She’s got my credit card. My credit card, with nothing on it ! We’ve got no customers, no money and we can’t afford the office anymore. What are we going to do? Hey, I could get a packet off this convertible… Wait a sec… this isn’t my car!
He stops, and leaves the car.
Angel : I’ve just stolen a car… I spent decades killing everyone I met. I’ll go to Hell for this. Again. And I thought I had wiped the slate clean… Maybe I should report this.
He goes to the back of the car and takes out a $1000 mobile phone.
Angel: Hello, police? I’ve just, er, found a car on the street… No, it was stolen. What do you mean, how do I know? Because, er, I know the owner of this car and he wasn’t in it. Yes, the registration number is “CRYNMAN”.
Hangs up, and then says: Hey wait a moment. I’ve suffered enough, I deserve a treat. Let’s go!
He drives on and sees this great blue vortex in the middle of the road.
Cue “Sliders” theme tune. The final “Sliders” is uttered by the CHORUS.
Act one, scene three
McLeod’s houseboat, Paris, 8.07 PM
Methos: I’m bo-red.
McLeod: What do you mean, you’re bored? Well, read a book or something.
Methos: I’ve read all your books. I’ve heard all your CDs. I’ve watched all your videotapes.
McLeod: Well use your stuff for a change.
Methos: I don’t have any stuff. I live on the move. You know; you might well wake up tomorrow and find me gone.
McLeod: You think?
Methos: Oh, shut up. You know what my mother used to say? Well, she used to say something that can’t be translated in English. Sumerian is a tough language, you know. Anyway, she used to say: “Whenever you’re bored, Methie, go off on pilgrimage. There are chances you’ll find such wrecks out there that you’ll just have to laugh.”
McLeod: I would have loved to have known such a delicate person.
Methos: Well, I think I’ll follow her advice. Laugh at old men who call me “kid”.
Methos heads towards the door and bumps into Joe and Amanda.
Joe: Hello, Methos. I’m here to warn McLeod about the forthcoming apocalypse.
Amanda: And I’ll try and get him to have sex with me.
Joe: I never knew you had feelings for me, Amanda.
Amanda: Who said anything about feelings ? Oh.
Methos: Hey, everyone, there’s a vortex outside.
Amanda: What’s a vortex?
Methos: It’s a doorway to another dimension. Also known as a Rosen-Pedenski-Einstein bridge. You go through it and land in another dimension.
Joe: How come you know so much about alternate universes?
Methos: What can I say? Pure genius.
Amanda: Let’s go! Duncan, we’re off to another dimension.
McLeod : WTF are you talking about, woman?
Joe: I’m not sure I want to go, actually. I have to make a few changes to my will, first.
Amanda: How can you be thinking about your will right now?
Joe: Well, I wanted to give everything to Duncan because I admire him so much.
Methos : You ungrateful bastard ! Why give everything to him rather than to me? I’m sure I could find plenty of things to do with cash.
Joe: Well, I’m not very rich. Besides, Methos, you never stripped in front of me to wield a heavy sword.
Methos: So that’s the reason… I’m telling McLeod on you.
Amanda : Can this wait? the vortex is very close now.
McLeod: Very, very close…
Act one, scene four
The Night Island, Miami, 8.15 PM
Lestat: Imp !
Armand: Brat !
Louis, to Daniel : Two hours they’ve been arguing like this.
Lestat: Imp !
Armand: Brat !
Daniel : Boredom, I guess.
Louis: I know a surefire way to shut them up.
To both: What do you think about God?
A servant: Master, Master ! A great pool of blue light is heading our way.
Daniel : Ah, the cab has arrived.
Louis: What are you talking about?
Daniel : Don’t say you’ve forgotten…Tonight is the 220th anniversary of Lestat’s siring. I asked David to use Talamasca resources for a cheap, nonpolluting means of transport to an exotic location. He came up with the idea.
Louis: How thoughtful. What now?
Daniel: Well, we open the window and jump in. Pretty straightforward, really.
Armand: Brat !
Lestat: Imp !
Daniel: Lestat? We’ve got a surprise for you.
Lestat: What is it? What is it? What is it?
Daniel: A vortex.
Armand: A what?
Daniel : It’s a doorway to another dimension. Also known as a Rosen-Pedenski-Einstein bridge. You go through it and land in another dimension.* We’ve got to go.
Lestat: Wheeeeee !
Louis : noooooooo….
*Evidently Methos and Daniel have the same source.
The act one song
Twelve immortals and a watcher
Are victims of this awful torture
Act two scene one:
Inside the vortex. My watch has stopped.
Angel : Who are all these people?
Lestat: This is way cool !
Amanda : Look at all these men…
Anya: Ditto. Let’s kill them.
Methos : I’d like to see you try….
Daniel : What’s this houseboat going in here?
Duncan : None of your business. What about the convertible?
Angel : Ditto.
Spike and Drusilla come out of the back of the car.
Spike: Hello, cutie.
Angel : Why are you calling me that?
Spike : Dramatic effect. Also, you stole my car.
Angel: How come you can afford a convertible?
Spike : I can’t. But I can afford to kill its rightful owner, which you can’t. Ner- ner- ner- ner- ner- ner !
Dru : Look at that pretty blue light… It’s singing to me….
Daniel : Blue? Er… guys, you’ll love this… We’ve got the wrong vortex….
Daniel: I said, We’ve got the wrong vortex….
Daniel: Well, I, er, asked for the scarlet one.
All except Anne’s boys and Anya: Well, what are we doing here?
Anya: I think I know why. I conjured up this vortex to return to the demon world and get my powers back. Only my pentangle blew away and everything went wrong.
Drusilla: pretty light… Wants me to touch it.
Spike: I wouldn’t do that, Dru.
Drusilla walks through the side of the vortex.
Spike : Dru ! Bloody hell !
He jumps in after her and pulls her back in. She is holding DAVID.
Dru : Spikey, let me go into the light…
David : Get off me, you wacko !
Spike : Don’t talk to her like that, you **** foulmouth !
Anne’s Boys : David !
David : Anne’s Boys !
Methos : Anne?
Act two scene two:
The vortex opens onto a large empty plain.
Joe: We’re here, wherever we are.
Duncan: I see they show you how to establish meaningful statements at the Watcher’s Council…
Joe : Shhhhhh. The Watcher’s Council is a highly secretive organization. In fact I didn’t know I belonged to it until about twenty years ago.
Spike : Did I hear “Watcher’s Council”?
The Highland flingers : NO !
Lestat: Yes you did ! Yes you did ! Yes you did !
Joe: Okay, okay, I’m part of the Watcher’s Council. It’s a highly secretive organization. In fact I didn’t know I belonged to it until about twenty years ago.
Methos : Har har. Where have I heard that before?
Spike : You must know Rupert Giles. You look like a tosser enough.
Joe and David : Hey !
Joe and David look at each other.
Joe: You too?
David: Erm… no. Well, it sounded like the organization I worked for a few years back. But I left them…
Lestat: Yeah, when I made him a vampire.
Angel, Spike and Dru: You’re vampires?
Spike: Ha. Let me laugh… You just look like a bunch of psychos.
He spots Lestat’s cross.
Spike: And if you were real vamps, you wouldn’t be wearing this. And that guy would be a little more mature.
McLeod: Will you stop wingeing! We’d better introduce ourselves…
Methos : Here it comes…
Act two scene three:
In the plain, by the houseboat and the convertible.
McLeod: I am Duncan McLeod, of the clan McLeod. I was born four hundred years ago…
Spike: Who cares? I bagged two slayers in my time, and Dru here bagged one.
Daniel: What’s a slayer?
Angel: In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone will stand against the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.
Duncan: Hey ! I’m the chosen one here.
Armand: Shut up.
Joe, yelling: Calm down, everyone. You’re going to introduce yourselves in a civilized manner or not at all.
Dru whimpers (we all know what that sounds like).
Joe: I’m sorry I scared you. Please, go first.
Angel: That’s it. Her name’s Drusilla. She’s nuts and I made her a vampire. It was before the gipsy curse that restored my soul and stopped me from drinking from humans.
Spike: Did I mention I killed two slayers? Not that I like to brag or anything…
Anya: Yeah, right. Did you mention your chip?
Spike: Shut up.
Anya: Well, Spike here, also known as Willy, is one hundred and twenty six. He brags a lot, and he can’t feed on humans since he was grafted a microchip in his brain.
Spike : Well, Anya here, also known as “Big mouth” used to be a demon until her necklace was destroyed. She’s the reason why we’re here.
McLeod : And this is Methos, also known as Methie. He’s over five thousand years old and very sensitive.
Methos: This is getting old, McLeod.
Amanda : I’m Amanda. I have a thousand year old struggle against gravity.
Methos : It shows you’re struggling.
Joe: And I am Joe Dawson. I’m a watcher. I play the guitar. I own a bar called Joe’s.
Armand: And you have a great imagination. I’m Armand.
Spike: Say, you look real young…
Armand: My sire had a taste for young men. I’m over five hundred.
Spike shuts up. Methos looks at Joe.
Lestat: Hi, I’m Lestat, I’m 220 today. Yipeee !
Angel: Is he always like this?
Louis: Mostly. I’m Louis, by the way. I’m his unfortunate fledgling. And this is Daniel. He’s Armand’s fledgling..
Lestat: This is sooo cool. Are you all vampires?
Duncan: No, we are immortals. We cannot die.
Joe : … Unless of course your head gets chopped off.
Methos takes Joe aside : What are you, crazy? They know our greatest weakness now !
Joe: Don’t really care… Since I’m the only mortal here I’d like to have a little fun.
Act two scene four:
Spike: Now we know who all of you are. How are we going to find a way out of here?
Voice: Good question.
Spike: Yeah, exactly. Jumps. Who are you?
Voice: I am… the Entity.
Lestat: Oh, good.
Entity: I am formed of the conjoined spirits of Joss Whedon, , Peter Davis, William Panzer and Anne Rice. You can call me God.
McLeod unsheathes his sword.: I am Duncan McLeod of the…
All: … clan McLeod. Ignore him.
Entity: I know who you are. You’re my creations ! I was so fed up about you all moaning about how bored you were I decided to make up a challenge.
Lestat: Cool !
Entity: Well, quite. I’m trying to select the best immies around. Modern TV and literature has way too many immortals.
Spike: So what are you going to do about it?
Entity: Well, I could kill you all, I suppose… No. I feel like having fun.
Amanda: This is bad.
Armand: Very bad.
Entity: Not really. It’s just a game. Except that only the survivors will make it back to Earth. Bwahahahhaha !
Joe: This is pure evil.
Entity: Shut up. Here are the teams: blue : Duncan McLeod, Louis, Angel, David and Joe Dawson; yellow : Spike, Drusilla, Lestat and Armand; green : Methos, Amanda, Daniel and Anya.
Anya : This is terrible. No wonder you’re three quarters man.
Armand: Yeah, and blue has five players.
Louis: He’s a mortal; he’d only get in our way.
Spike: Why don’t you kill him?
Joe: Why don’t you shut your trap?
Entity: Now; now. You will have a series of tasks to fulfill before you can return to Earth. I’ve brought someone to lead you to your first task.
Mcleod: Bring him on. I’m not afraid.
Methos: How come chosen ones are always so dumb?
A puff of smoke signals the entrance of a new character…
The act two song
Twelve immortals and a watcher
Are victims of this awful torture
Now they have to play this game
To survive in their quest for fame.
Act three scene one:
The plain, again.
Spike: Oh, it’s the Annoying One…
Lestat: Cool ! Let’s eat him.
The Anointed One: Come with me.
Methos: My mother told me - of course, it was in Sumerian - never to trust strangers.
Amanda: Nice going, Methie.
Dru: I like children. I want to play with him.
Angel : Let’s follow him before you kill him, Dru.
The anointed one leads them along a road. They walk for a few minutes until they come to three smaller roads. On each of these road there is a coloured arrow
The Anointed One : We shall wait here for my assistants.
McLeod: Geez, what a voice ! That’s a demon?
TAO’s assistants appear out of thin air.
The Highland flingers: Darius !
Anne’s Boys : Mekare !
Darius: Hello, Duncan.
Mekare signs hello to Anne’s Boys.
TAO: The Entity hopes you will suffer a lot.
Armand: Thank you.
Darius: Well, may the worthiest survive !
Louis: I like him.
McLeod: Isn’t he great?
Mekare starts handing out coloured T-Shirts with the names of the players on them. The Blue team goes left, yellow go center, following TAO and green go right following Mekare.
Act three scene two:
The blue road.
Joe: Angel, do you believe in free will?
Angel : Yes, I chose to suffer eternal torment.
Louis : Why?
Angel : Because I had killed hundreds of people without a second thought.
Louis : Why’s that?
Angel : Because I am a vampire. A remorseless demon.
Louis : Did you choose to be a vampire?
Angel : Did you?
Darius : Here we are; we’ve arrived to the first task.
McLeod : What do we have to do, Darius?
Darius : This is the futuristic zone. Mental, physical, skill or mystery?
Louis : You mean we get to choose?
Darius : No. I’m just being polite. Please come in.
They enter a large glass building.
Darius : This is a maze…
Angel : I hate mazes.
Darius : … swarming with death-cyborgs.
Louis : I hate cyborgs.
Darius : You have to reach the teleporter in the maze to get out. Good luck !
Louis : Oh, and he couldn’t lend us his own teleporter?
Joe: No ‘cause that spoils the fun.
David: Let’s go. I’ll carry Joe.
Act three scene three:
The yellow brick road.
TAO : Welcome to the Aztec zone.
Spike, sarcastically : Thank you.
TAO : The first game is a mental game.
TAO: Succeed, and you will live. Fail, and you will die.
Armand: You know, you might find it difficult…
Entity : Maybe, but I know stuff about you that you wouldn’ want other people to know….
Spike : Well that’s us knackered, isn’t it ?
Lestat: I wanna play !
Drusilla: Me too.
They run ahead of TAO into a thick forest.
Act three scene four:
The Green road.
Mekare leads the team into a village market.
Daniel : She says this is the medieval zone.
Anya: How do you know?
Daniel : Telepathy.
Amanda : You mean you can read minds?
Daniel :Can’t you?
Methos : I wish I could.
Anya : You mean you know what we’re all thinking right now?
Daniel : Yup.
Anya : Rats.
Mekare gives them a piece of paper.
Methos, reading out loud: Skill game number one: In order to make the green team stronger, we need to establish trust between the players.
Amanda : This sounds pretty awful.
Methos : …. Two team members will take crossbows and the other two apples.
Daniel : No way.
Anya: What do you think they’d do to us if we said “Go suck a lemon”?
Mekare waves at Daniel, who catches fire. Methos puts out the flames.
Daniel : Okay, okay… In that case I’ll take the crossbow.
Anya: I’ll take the other one.
Amanda and Methos reluctantly take an apple each and go stand in front of a tree .Anya places herself in Methos’ line and smiles gleefully.
Methos : Um, Danny, could you shoot me instead?
Anya : No, I’d find it more inspirational to shoot a man.
Methos : You’re not supposed to shoot me.
Anya : I’ll make an exception.
Dan: All right, all right. Calm down, everyone. I’ll shoot Methos.
Methos: You’re not….
Daniel quickly loads the crossbow and shoots in Methos’ general direction. He splits the apple in half very neatly. Methos is suddenly very pale.
Daniel : Us vamps have it easy.
Anya squints at Amanda and pierces her left shoulder.
Amanda: Get me out of here…
Anya reloads and shoots again. She hits the tree above Amanda’s head, but the apple topples off to the ground.
Daniel: You have to shoot it; it’s the rule.
Anya: But I’m scared of crossbows.
Daniel: Give me that. He snatches the crossbow off Anya and loads it expertly. He approaches the fallen apple and shoots it.
Methos : Is it dead yet?
Act four scene one:
The Blue Labyrinth
The team hear a noise of mechanical tracks around the corner.
All except Duncan : He is Duncan McLeod of the clan McLeod.
By which time Duncan has slashed through the cyborg.
Louis : Five times now. Can you believe how dumb these robots are?
David: Maybe so, but we’re still lost.
They come to a grass maze.
Angel : We haven’t seen this grass bit before. Is that good?
Joe: Duck !
Duncan : Where?
A huge pendulum sweeps down and chops Joe’s wooden leg..
Joe: Damn. My leg !
Angel: Let’s split up.
David: Okay. We’ll yell when we’ve found the exit.
Duncan and Louis go left, all the others go right.
Duncan: This is all too quiet, I don’t like this at all.
Louis: I find It rather peaceful, actually…
A large spike fires from the wall opposite and stabs Louis in the chest.
Louis : If I hadn’t stayed with Anne I’d be dead by now.
He picks the spike out of his heart and moves on.
Duncan : Wait ! I feel an… eerie presence.
Louis : Not another of those wretched cyborgs?
Duncan : No. Far worse. I need to tune in to my surroundings.
Duncan takes his shirt off and unsheathes his blade. He starts doing the weird kata stuff we see every 4 – 5 shows for 15 minutes at a time.
Duncan, breathing deeply : It’s on the other side of this hedge.
Joe, speaking to Angel :Are you sure?
Angel, engaged himself in a spot of solitary sword-fighting.
Angel : I can feel it. Just on the other side of this hedge.
A large sword pierces the hedge and wounds Angel.
Duncan: I think I got him.
Angel, writing in agony on the other side of the hedge: He got me…
Joe: Wow, did you notice he had McLeod’s sword?
Duncan: There’s more than one !
David picks up Angel’s sword and stabs through the leaves.
Louis : Sounds like two or three people. Think you can stab them? Aaaaargh….
Louis is stabbed in the back.
Duncan : Louis, are you all right?
David: I think I got one.
Duncan: Revenge !
He stabs through the hedge and the blade ends up inches away from David’s face… In Joe’s other wooden leg.
Joe : Let’s get out of here !
Louis : Tell Claudia I love her…
Duncan : She’s dead, you klutz.
Louis: Oh, yeah… hey, how do you know?
Duncan : I read the book. This looks like Angel’s sword…
Louis : Let’s move on…
He staggers to his feet and pulls the sword out of his back.
David : We’d better move.
Angel, with a very high-pitched voice : Okay.
Act four scene two:
The Aztec Zone
Lestat: Is it far?
TAO is puffed out : We’ve arrived. Mental one.
He staggers into a small ziggurat, followed by the yellow team. He leads them to a strange-looking man with a red turban.
Sphinx: I am the Sphinx
Spike : I am William the Bloody. How brave are you?
Sphinx : You will not kill me. I know everything, and I know you won’t kill me.
Spike, suddenly scared : You know everything? Even about my private collection of….
Sphinx : Especially that, you dirty little tyke. And I know you know they know too.
Armand and Lestat leer.
Lestat : This is going to be hard.
Sphinx : Right. First question: What is the cube root of 912 673?
Armand : Kill me now.
Sphinx : You mean to say you don’t know? That was just a warm-up question !
All : Noooooo !
Spike : All right; Boff-for-brains. Just get on with it.
Sphinx :What is the capital of Afghanistan ?
Armand : Kabul !
All stare at him.
Armand : I went there thirty years ago.
Sphinx : All right. Now you ask me a question I don’t know the answer to. Go on.
Lestat : Who painted The Temptation of Amadeo?
Sphinx : Marius.
Armand: How d’you know that?
Sphinx : We collaborated for a while.
Armand : I knew I’d seen that guy somewhere.
Sphinx : What did I tell you? I know everything. Which one of the Village people was an actual homosexual?
Spike and Lestat : The Indian.
They look at each other.
Lestat: He’s the only one who tried to sleep with me.
Spike : He’s the only one who agreed to sleep with me.
Sphinx : You are a tough lot. Okay, what are your questions?
Spike : How can I get rid of that blasted chip?
Sphinx : Look, lad, this isn’t social counseling night. Anyone got a real question?
Armand : Who shot JFK?
Sphinx : I already told you need to know the answer to that question.
Armand : I do.
Sphinx : So do I… He whispers to Armand’s ear.
Armand : Damn ! How do you know that?
Sphinx : I sold him the weapon. My go ! He utters an evil laugh. What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Armand : African or American?
Sphinx : Just to ease up the tension. You get a free question. Of course, if I answer it correctly, you all die.
Spike: Did someone mention easing up the tension?
Dru : They speak to me, but only at night. What are they?
Sphinx : Errrrrr… Hang on, I know this one. Ummmm….
Spike : Get on with it. This isn’t Trivial Pursuit.
Sphinx: Ummm… Voices?
Dru : Spike , he got it wrong !
Spîke : That’s right. The stars speak to Dru at night. Amongst other things of course.
The Sphinx reluctantly lets them pass.
Act four scene three:
The Mediaeval Zone
Mekare leads the green team to the entrance of a dark dungeon. She hands a sheet of paper to Amanda.
Amanda : Mystery number one : The torture chamber.
All except Mekare : Let’s get out of here !
Amanda : We’d have nowhere to go. Continues : The entity has designed a set of interesting physical challenges for the green team.”
They all enter the dungeon.
Amanda, continues : “There are four tasks, each one of you will choose one at random.”
She takes four pieces of paper. They each take one.
Daniel : The chicken run?
Anya : Mud wrestling ! Who came up with that?
Amanda : A quarterstaff duel ! Great !
Methos : “No escape”... That sounds pretty bleak.
Mekare leads Anya to a door. The others climb up a staircase. They come to a room which has four windows. One of them opens to Anya’s private torture chamber.
Anya : Hello?
Methos : We’re right here with you, girl !
Anya : That’s a relief.
A large, greasy man bulging with muscles enters the room through the back door.
Hulk: Rrrrrraaaaaaaah !
Anya : Ew. That’s my opponent?
Mekare gives her the thumbs up.
Anya : I don’t feel so good…
Hulk : Grrrrrrrrrowl !
Anya : Oh, well… She kicks him in the nether regions. The Hulk goes down, whimpering Dru-like.
Mekare rings a bell.
Methos goes to his own door. It leads to a small arena. Anya comes back up, covered in mud.
Anya : Where’s the shower?
Audience : Shhhhhh !
All look at Methos. He appears stuck in the room. Suddenly a large door opens. Methos hears the “Immie theme”
All : What was that?
Methos : There’s an immortal in the vicinity. Hey, how come Daniel and Anya can hear it?
Daniel : Well, I’ve watched the show, and I always heard the Immie theme when it came on…
Anya : Yeah, they just hide stereos in the room.
Methos : No time for that now. The door’s opening…
Methos Someone’s coming through.
Methos : You !
Act four scene four:
The Blue Labyrinth
The team come in two separate groups to a hall of mirrors. The exit is clearly visible.
McLeod: Look, David and Joe ! Evil must have taken their faces, and I know quite a bit about that.
Louis: You don’t think it might actually be them?
McLeod : Ha ha! No, of course not. That’s exactly what they want you to think. Besides, Angel’s not with them. They must have killed him.
Louis : Well, if I had choice over my body, I wouldn’t choose an aging, legless wreck.
McLeod : True… He didn’t manage to look exactly like him…He didn’t reproduce the non-living parts… He’s got no legs !
Louis : Let’s pound ‘em ! They busted my shoulder !
McLeod : Fair enough. He runs towards the group : I am Duncan McLeod of the clan…
He rams into a glass wall, and falls to the ground, leaving a blood-mark at nose height.
Louis : You were saying?
McLeod : We’re trapped ! Heeeeeeelp!
David and Joe turn around and spot Duncan and Louis.
Louis : Now what?
David : On guard, demon !
He tries to unsheathe his sword, forgetting he buried it in a fiend’s back in the maze. Joe almost falls off. He claws desperately at David’s neck.
David : You’re strangling me.
Louis : I think these are the real Joe and David, you know. If they aren’t ; they’re pretty convincing.
Joe : Stop ! I know McLeod . Only the real Duncan would break his nose running into a glass wall. Of course, they’d never show us that on the show because they want to give Adrian Paul a hunky image.
Joe and David : Duncan? Louis, is that you?
Duncan and Louis : Of course it is ….
Duncan continues on his own: Devil, spawn of Satan!
Louis: Calm down, Duncan. Last time you got like this you chopped your best friend’s head off, remember?
Joe : It would have been better if you hadn’t mentioned this… Duncan’s very sensitive on the subject…
Duncan : You are the devil ! You remind me of my past crimes. I must vanquish you !
Angel pops out of nowhere.
Duncan : Aaaargh ! Another demon !
He takes his weapon out and starts jabbing Angel rather painfully in the chest.
Angel : Hey, take it easy, man. This is too close to the heart for comfort.
All : Angel ?
Angel :Really? Look, I’ve been trying to find you guys for forty five minutes…. You’ve no idea how hard it is to get your bearings in a mirror maze with no reflection.
David : Oh, this is hopeless… How are we going to get out of here?
He hits a mirror. It flies apart; revealing the exit.
All : ?
Act five scene one:
The Aztec Zone
The yellow team come to a small pyramid. They enter it and find it is lit by lanterns inside.
TAO : You must reach the other side of this pyramid.
Spike : That looks a doddle. I can see the exit from here !
He takes a step forward and hears a menacing creak.
Spike : Someone help me. I’ve stepped on a mine or something.
Lestat: What’s the procedure, usually?
Armand : Well, we run for cover and Spike flies apart.
Dru : I’m not leaving Spike here.
Spike : You see? Find some weights !
Spike : So we can compensate.
Armand : Just a minute… You really think you’re up to McGyver on this? I mean do you even know how much you weigh?
Spike : But they always make it seem so easy !
Armand : That’s because there isn’t a sixty ton blast on the studio !
Spike : I don’t think Aztecs had explosives…
Lestat : More like sharp gardening tools…
Armand : I’d say a bunch of arrows. Look, here’s the opening.
Spike : Well, block it, why don’t you?
Drusilla picks up a small rock and jams it is the opening.
Spike steps off the mine.
Lestat: Fluke . They don’t make death traps like they used to… He starts dancing on the pad. Suddenly the rock shoots out and buries itself in Lestat’s back.
Armand : Well, that’s one trap we got through.
Spike : Just move on.
Lestat : The pyramid seems to be getting larger…
Spike: Well if we run we could make it.
A large block falls in front of the exit.
Armand : … or not.
Lestat : Let’s look around. There’s got to be another exit around here somewhere.
Dru starts to whimper (again)
Armand : Did anyone hear that ?
Lestat : What?
Armand : That terrifying screech… Sounds like a huge scorpion or something…
Spike : Have you ever heard a scorpion?
Armand :No, but I had a backstage pass for one of their concerts.
Dru : There it is! It’s comiiiiing!
Lestat : What is it?
Armand : A scorpion. Duh !
Act five scene one:
The Mediaeval zone
Anya : Who’s that?
Methos , genuine terror in his eyes : He’s the head librarian in the library of Alexandria…
Daniel : How come he’s still alive?
Librarian : I’m a vampire.
Daniel : Oh, I see! Join the club, then. What have you got against Methie?
Librarian : Just over 4232 years, 16 months and 15 days in overdue library
Amanda : 16 months?
Librarian : That’s in Sumerian timeline.
Daniel : Ouch.
Amanda : What’s that for?
Librarian : A signed first edition of the Kama Sutra
Daniel : And you’ve been keeping it all this time?
Anya, looking at Methos : I bet you haven’t used it much since then…
Methos : Hey!
Librarian : You now owe me about 1,000 times the national debt of the USA in charges. We accept cheques.
Methos : Arrr… Um, I’ve forgotten my wallet at home.
Librarian : Then you shall die.
Methos : Oh really? How?
Librarian takes out a large axe.
Methos : Can I pay in monthly fees? I lost the book in Pompei; but I’m sure we can replace it….
Librarian : It was my personal copy. Die !
Methos : How come you’re still alive, then?
Librarian : I’m a vamp, that’s why !
Daniel : What kind?
Librarian : Anne’s kind. I was actually designed to replace you, but Anne decided if there was going to be a handsome bookish character in her books, it would have to be a mortal who would become a vampire.
Daniel : You mean I’m you’re replacement?
Librarian : That’s about the size of it, yeah.
Anya : So basically, you’re a failure?
Librarian, starts sobbing : Why’s everything so damn unfair? I was destined for greatness : Anne’s first book would have been called “Interview with a mortal by a vampire journalist named Froonf”.
Amanda starts to snigger.
Methos : Listen, um… Froon. I’m sorry.
Froonf : That’s not my name!
Anya : Never mind your name, you’re a failure.
Froonf : I’ll kill you all for that…
Runs towards Methos with his axe.
Methie : What’s that?
Froonf : Where?
Methos chops Froonf’s head off.
Methos : Works every time. Let’s go.
Mekare takes Daniel by the hand and leads him to another dungeon.
Daniel : So, what is this chicken run?
A large axe swoops down on Daniel, narrowly missing his neck.
Daniel : I see…
Makes a run towards the exit. Large spikes stick out of the walls. Daniel’s shirt snags onto one of them
Daniel : Oooops…
A spear rushes pqst him and buries itself in the opposite wall. He manages to rip himself free of the spikes and falls down a mine shaft.
Daniel : noooooooo !
Anya: Oh, well… Let’s move on.
Daniel : I’m not dead yet
Starts to pull himself up and ducks as a large pendulum passes.
Daniel : I don’t get this… Anne knows the only way to kill me is sunlight or…
Five burning arrows are shot towards Daniel.
Danny : You’ll pay for this, Anne ! Your books suck, anyway.
A large rock falls onto him.
Danny; diving sideways : You know it’s the truth, Anne. Hurts, doesn’t it? And let’s talk about the Mayfair Chronicles…
Anne : Shut up! Shut up!
Danny : Notice how everyone thinks your books got awful since The Queen of the Damned. Oh dear… Just about the time you dropped me!
Anne : That’s where you’re wrong! Everyone loved Memnoch and Pandora…
Anya : I read them. They suck. And not an accurate description of the demon world. I liked Armand, though it lacked tortures and stuff.
Anne : Thank you, I’ll keep that in mind. I’ll torture you, Daniel
Daniel makes a rude gesture towards Anya and sidles towards the exit. He opens the door wide and…
Daniel : I’m done! I’ll kill you later, you sexist psycho!
Anya : I love it when people call me that.
Mekare, loud and clear : Amanda, your quarterstaff duel is this way.
Amanda : How come you can talk ?
Mekare : Anne thought I would be more popular if I pretended I couldn’t talk. She has these weird ideas, sometimes. She wanted to make a vampire out of Mojo; but Stan wouldn’t let her.
Daniel : Good old Stan! Loving husband and maker of not-crap books. I hear when Anne wrote Memnoch he was on vacation.
Anne : I found Memnoch very fulfilling. I actually locked Stan in the basement for five months.
Mekare : Anyway; Amanda… Follow me!
Anne : You’re not supposed to talk, Mekare…. You’re my creation!
Mekare : Shut up.
Amanda opens her door and takes a quarterstaff. She enters the room and faces a strange man dressed in a red and white coat.
Amanda : Who are you? Not that I care, but…
Hiko : I have absolutely no connection with vampires or immortals, other than the fact that I am forty-three and look barely thirty. But the authors couldn’t find a proper opponent for you, so… it so happens that I am invincible, too. Besides, you’re a woman, so this is going to be a cinch.
Anya : Look at that sexist pig! If I had my powers his penis would fall off in a flash.
Amanda : Shut up and fight.
Hiko hits Amanda smack on the side of the hip. Amanda tries to retaliate by hitting him square in the nether regions, but he blocks her and hits her in the chest.
Amanda : Ooooof… You asked for it.
Hits Hiko in the stomach with the pointed end, then in the face. He falls pitifully on the ground.
Hiko : Are you sure you’re a woman?
Amanda : Absolutely! Wanna check?
Methos : Not without dinner and some flowers.
Amanda leaves her dungeon.
Act five scene two:
Darius : This is your final game, team.
Angel : We’ll be back in time for tea.
Darius : It’s a skill game : The watercycle race !
Duncan : Who are we against?
Darius : Your worst enemies !
Duncan : Kell !
Kell : McLeod ! I’m going to kill you very slowly…
Louis : Santiago ! I chopped you in half with a scythe…
Santiago says nothing, just like in that annoying first scene with him in the movie. Eugh !
David : Raglan James… You stole my body… And because of you I’m a vampire ! Plus, you’re dead…
Cue angsty music, which invariably precedes absolutely crap dialogue …
James : No, David… You’re dead ! Bwahahaha !
Angel : Darla ! You made me a vampire and I killed you… What is this, Sire Central?
Darius : Well, it is really, except that Lestat’s in the other team, so we had to find replacements for David and Louis. On with the race !
Darius leads them to a rusty pedal-canoe.
Angel : A pedal canoe?
Joe : I’ve lost both my legs... How am I supposed to use this thing?
Duncan : Don’t cry, Joe… You can use your arms.
Joe : Thanks, McLeod… You’re very nice to me, I’m forever grateful to you. If I catch the bastard who chopped my leg off I’ll kill him !
Duncan : Yeah, that sure sucks, Joe.
Dips his right arm in the river.
Joe : Ow !
David : Hey, Joe, where’s your arm gone?
Darius : Did I mention the sharks?
All : NO !
Joe : Oh, well… I still have my left arm, um… left. I will try to lead as normal a life as possible and become a model of human endurance and spirit !
Horton loads a bazooka and shoots it at the blue canoe. It hits Joe in the arm and brushes it away.
Joe : Oh, rats.
Joe bleeds to death and returns to life.
Joe : Hey, I’m still alive… How come?
Entity : I thought it would be fun to have an immortal watcher. Of course, you were supposed to become immortal during the series, but then I had this great idea of the oldest living immortal who would pass as a watcher. Neat, huh?
Joe :Yeah… I guess. But Duncan, you knew Richie would be an immortal before he became one, right?
Duncan : Yup
Joe :So why didn’t you tell me?
Duncan : For kicks! Oh, sorry…
Joe starts to cry.
Joe : You’re a very bad man !
Duncan : I would, ah, ease your suffering, but I couldn’t stand to have you in my head all the time. Plus, you would only be too pleased when I had sex with Amanda.
Joe : Kill me? Anyone, please?
Angel : Sorry, I already killed too many people in my time.
Louis : And I can’t be bothered.
David : And you’re a watcher… I couldn’t do this !
Kell has reloaded his bazooka, and Darla a crossbow.
All : Let’s move !
Darla shoots her crossbow and accidentally wounds Darius in the leg.
Darius : Watch it, you f*****g b***h ! Get your sorry a*s over there and stop those b****y p****s !
Duncan : Darius ! I thought you were impartial… And I never knew you knew such bad language !
Darius : What do you expect, you f*****g p***y? I’m not gonna use it on prime-time TV… Or else I’ll end up in a stupid game like this !
Angel : It looks obvious… Darius is possessed.
Darius : Are you stupid, or are you just pretending really well ?
Joe : Constant practice. Let’s just get on with it !
Angel, Louis, McLeod and David start pedaling.
Joe : They’re getting closer… It looks as if they’re going to try and hitch a ride !
Kell : Banzai !
Kell hops on the pedal canoe and almost kicks Joe overboard.
Duncan, with the voice of Connor McLeod : The game isn’t over yet…
Kell : You already said that in the movie… I won’t fall for it twice !
Duncan, normal voice : Good point. Oh, ummmm…. Here’s one !
Duncan, with Joe’s voice : Get off my boat, you loser !
Louis, with the voice of Cartman from South Park : Can’t you hear right, you m**********r?
Kell : Huh ?
Angel, with the voice of Donald Duck : Yeah, and take your tam with you !
Joe, with the voice of Yoda : And come back do not !
Kell is really confused, until…
Duncan : Duck !
Angel quacks : Where ?
Kell is swept away by a low bridge. All cheer aboard the ship.
Darius : Shit.
The blue team cross the finishing line where another surprise awaits them…
Act five scene three :
The Aztec zone. The yellow team are in front of the entrance to a small and dark room.
TAO : This is the cavern of sorrows.
Drusilla: What a lovely name …
Lestat : Yeah, let’s go !
TAO : A number of tasks is waiting for you inside. Lestat, please follow me.
TAO leads Lestat, followed by the rest of the team, in front of a strangely-clad man
TAO : Lestat, this is your task : I will slip your hand through this ring and press down hard, you have to resist. Then I’ll let go and your hand mustn’t touch the top of the ring… Any questions?
Lestat : Just reflexes? Cool, I like that !
TAO presses Lestat’s hand down hard and releases suddenly. Lestat freezes his movement instantly.
Lestat : Is that it ? smiles mischievously.
TAO : Um… Yes ! Armand, please come here. You have to bang this nail into this board once at a time
Armand : Like this? pushes the nail into the plank
TAO : Shoot. I mean, yes. Drusilla?
Dru simpers near TAO.
TAO : Your task is a little more difficult. I will light two pieces of paper. My assistant will hold one, and you the other, the last person to let it go will win.
Dru : I don’t like this game.
TAO : Who asked you, you psycho?
Dru whimpers and reluctantly takes the piece of paper. Things aren’t going her way, flames are leaping towards her, and..
Lestat : Jesus, I didn’t realize vampires were so flammable… Look at the movie when Antonio Banderas burns his finger?
Spike : Dru ! Bloody hell !
Armand : You already said that.
Dru disappears into a pile of ashes.
TAO : Well, that’s one less immie to worry about. Spike, if you’d like to come this way?
Spike : If I ever get back home to the real world I’ll bring you back from the dead just to roast you over a slow fire.
TAO : Yeah, but you won’t. Come this way. You’re only allowed to take two or three matches at the same time, the person who takes the last match.loses.
Spike : Matches? Is this done on purpose?
TAO : I can’t hide anything from you, can I?
Spike: Dru’s dead, I’ll never have my own mini-series now.
To be following...